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Fear induced writing

The downside of being sick is that I have less time and energy to write. The upside is that I'm worried I'll never get better and anytime I can sacrifice to writing, I do so. Perhaps a bit dramatic, but I like to play it safe.


Migraine Cluster(fuck)

How do you manage life when practically all of your spoons have been taken away? You do the best you can and commend yourself on accomplishing anything.


Healthfully DGAF

Being partially blind didn't fit my idea of an independent adult, let alone my ideal perfect future as the do-it-all woman. How did I cope? Essentially not giving a fuck and letting facts be facts.


Writing Absence

Writing is a habit and an addiction. Yet it's hard to get started. You almost have to force yourself to do it each day till it becomes some sort of daily ritual. But then when you're forced to stop, it feels wrong.


From their side

It's easy to say 'suck it up' or shut someone out with a 'I'm in pain, leave me alone'. It's harder to try and see from someone else's point of view.


Living with a "chronic illness"?

Although I'm glad my MRI came back with something, more specifically something not tumor related, I'm still conflicted. The way it was presented to me on the short message was just a mere fact. My brain is sagging into unwanted areas. But it was not important or strange enough to warrant moving up the follow-up appointment or mention surgery. Just a simple "we'll keep an eye on it." So, I researched it with more interest as a scientist than a concerned patient. 

This could be the answer to what has been wrong. I can literally go down most symptom lists and check things off. An answer, even one like this, is great news. Sure we won't do much about it, but at least we know what could potentially be causing so many of my problems. Though, to be fair migraines can come from so many things even this might not explain it. But I would like to think there is some correlation to this cause and my experienced effects. Even just for some resolve. 

Googling this, even more, lead to one funny meme, which made me laugh. I feel like I have somewhat of a self-deprecating sense of humor. So laughing at my brain 'leaking out of my head' isn't odd for me. I mean what else could go wrong. Still feels like I'm living well above my years. 

However, when googling more memes to laugh at, I find many more images or quotes referring to living with a chronic health condition. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was filing it away as more of a fact, I'm slightly deformed. Kind of like it's a fact I have arthritis or night blindness. But I never talk about these things like others talk of chronic illnesses. I wasn't picturing explaining my brain condition to people. I wasn't even really thinking of it as 'my condition'. Just if it came up, 'oh yeah, my brain sags a hair'. It's not even the stigma associated with living with chronic illnesses like I'm supposed to act or look a certain way. It's just the idea of it. Do I call it a chronic illness?

I have thought of it before I was diagnosed. Living with migraines is tough sometimes. People assume I'm backing out of plans because I don't like them or I'm lazy. But quite frankly if you were in pain, you wouldn't want to be around people either. So I've imagined being able to explain 'this is real, I'm actually in pain and there's a reason for it', as a good thing. It was an out because it would be more than 'I can't come my head hurt.' It would be "I can't come I have a chronic condition that's flaring up."

Though, now that I have it to fall back on, I'm conflicted on if I do want to use it. Nothing will change, we just know more about what's going on. Without going into surgery I'm more or less just managing things. I'll still miss events because I'm in pain. I'll still have bad days. But what do I call it?